How to Start Dating: 9 Strategies to Use When You’ve Never Dated Before [Guest Post by Ashley Hudson LMFT]
Takeaway: In this post, I explain how to start dating, the roadblocks to start dating, why dating is so scary, and strategies to use when you’ve never dated before.
Table of Contents
Define what dating is to you
What are the roadblocks to start dating
Why is dating so scary
How to start if you’ve never dated before
What is a good age to start dating
Strategies to use when you’ve never dated before
My name is Ashley Hudson and I am teen and young adult therapist in Orange County, California. I work with teens and young adults who have never dated before, learning how to date, and are struggling with anxiety on how to start dating. Below I will help you define what dating means to you, the roadblock and scariness of starting to date, where to start if you have never dated before, and strategies to use.
Define What Dating Is To You
When you start thinking about wanting to date, it’s important to define what dating is to you at the moment. Each person is in a different stage, season, and journey when it comes to dating. Some people have never dated before. Defining what dating is to you is a good first step with becoming aware of what you want out of dating. Here are some questions to think about when defining what dating is to you:
Do you want to date to get to know others more deeply?
Do you want to date to gain experience in dating and learn to be in a relationship with someone?
Do you want to date to have fun or hang out with others?
Do you want to date to find someone you want to marry?
Examining these questions can be a good starting point with understanding how you would like to go about dating.
What are the Roadblocks to Start Dating?
There are several roadblocks when it comes to dating. Some individuals won’t even think about dating because the roadblocks seem large to overcome. Being aware of your roadblocks when starting to date can be very helpful. You can begin to reflect on the reasons behind the blockage and how to go about breaking down those barriers. Take a look at some of these common roadblocks to start dating and see which one(s) might resonate with you.
Perfectionism
Trying to date the “perfect” person can limit your options and put unrealistic expectations on that person and yourself. Some people won’t even start dating because no one seems good enough in their eyes.
Rejection
Putting yourself out there and being vulnerable is uncomfortable and scary. Most people are afraid of others not liking them back or have fear of rejection.
Embarrassment
Dating can feel awkward, uncomfortable, and bring up feelings of inadequacy. People have never dated because they feel embarrassed with not knowing where, how to start dating, what to say or how to act while on dates.
Comparison
You might look around and notice that all of your friends are dating or in a relationship. It is easy to compare yourself to others and wonder, “Why not me?” This can prevent you from starting your own dating journey.
Limited options or opportunities
You might feel there are limited options or opportunities around you to meet new people or date within your preference.
Body image
Avoiding dates because of body image is a common roadblock people have. You may think, “ If only I felt confident in my body size or weight, then I would start dating.” Or feeling insecure with facial acne and other imperfections can stop someone from feeling the motivation to start dating.
Distraction and less time
Having too many obligations and responsibilities might be restricting you from starting to date. Some people feel that if they were to date, then they would have to sacrifice time towards their goals, commitments, and responsibilities.
Social anxiety
Social anxiety is a serious roadblock to starting to date. You may be worried if you are going to humiliate yourself or look like a fool, which can be paralyzing and take away the desire to date.
Dating Anxiety
If you are looking to date and have never dated before, it is normal to be nervous and have anxiety around dating. However, if you already have an existing anxiety disorder, dating can be exceptionally difficult. Dating anxiety is when you have relationship goals and you are unable to fulfill those goals due to being overwhelmed with anxiety. When we are overwhelmed with anxiety, the anxiety can be intense and you might avoid the dating scene altogether. In those cases, reaching out for individual therapy from a mental health professional who specializes in dating issues can be really beneficial.
Why is Dating So Scary?
People often comment on how hard, uncomfortable, and difficult dating is. Usually, the core emotion behind those thoughts is the feeling of being scared. It is scary putting yourself out there and being vulnerable with someone you just met. You are getting to know that person and they are getting to know you. It can be intimidating to be asked intimate questions from a stranger and be evaluated by them. Some describe it as, “You are voluntarily asking people to judge you.”
Not knowing how to start dating is a typical reason why dating is so scary. I’ve had people tell me “How do I approach someone out of nowhere to ask them out?” It can be scary when you feel like you have no “game” or flirting skills to be able to get someone’s attention and take the next step to ask for their contact information. Feeling ill equipped with the skills to charm, get someone’s attention, compliment someone, and show them you are interested in dating can be daunting.
Lastly, another reason why dating can be scary is wanting to be in a relationship so bad, feeling the disappointment if it doesn’t work out is frightening. It is a natural instinct to want to feel human connection and be in relationships with others. People often want to be romantically involved and share their life with another person. Some individuals have dreamed about having a loving and healthy relationship with someone. It is scary to try and go after those dreams and goals you always wanted.
What Is A Good Age To Start Dating?
Typically individuals get “dating/relationship experience” in middle and high school. Teenagers are figuring out what qualities they want in a friendship and in a relationship. Also, they are noticing what certain characteristics are attractive and what physical qualities they are drawn to.
It’s a developmental stage where teenagers are exploring sexual identity and orientation. However, that does not mean that the teenage years are a good age to start dating nor are they emotionally ready to date. Some people who went through their high school years decided to wait on dating until well after due to not feeling emotionally ready.
When asked what is a good age to start dating, that question doesn’t really have an answer. The more appropriate question would be, “When is the best time to start dating for you?”. The best time to start dating is when an individual wants to put time and effort into meeting new people to have a romantic relationship, or are ready to take action in meeting their dating goals.
How to Start if You’ve Never Dated Before
So, you have never dated before, you feel ready, and you know it’s a good time to start dating, you might be wondering, “Well, how do I start if I have never dated before?”
Below I’ve outlined steps and strategies to get mentally and emotionally prepared to start dating:
Gain Awareness
When you have never dated before, it’s important to gain awareness of your barriers and roadblocks to dating. Acknowledging your hesitations and resistance towards dating can help you reframe and work through those initial hurdles.
Identify Your Dating Expectations
It’s helpful to identify your dating expectations. What do you want out of dating? To get to know people at a deeper level? Understand what others can bring or add to the relationship? Identifying others strengths and weaknesses. It takes experience to understand what you really need in a relationship instead of what you think you want.
Create Dating Goals
Setting dating goals is beneficial in getting mentally and emotionally prepared to start dating especially if you have never dated before. Some common dating goals are; gaining confidence in asking someone out and refining your flirting skills. Sharing memories and experiences with someone is a great goal to have. Finding your comfort level with being intimate such as holding hands, kissing, hugging, and sexual relations. Lastly, being in a committed relationship and finding a lifelong partner is another goal to have when starting to date.
Strategies To Use When You’ve Never Dated Before
Talk to a trusted friend about dating
Open up to a trusted friend about your dating roadblocks. Talking to a friend about dating fears and insecurities can really help lower the intensity of anxiety and fear. Plus, you might feel validated and acknowledged if your friend shares their own dating experiences and mishaps.
Have a game plan
When you start dating, it is important to be intentional about wanting to meet new people and start dating. Schedule out time in your day to put effort towards dating. This can look like making time to answer messages, talk on the phone, or getting together with someone for coffee or a meal.
Choose 1 or 2 dating avenues
Thinking of a couple different avenues to meet people is imperative with putting yourself out there. You need to create opportunities to meet new potential partners, people with similar interests, and people who are looking to date as well. A few options could be online dating apps, meetups (hiking, running, etc), local classes or groups, church, or asking your friends if they know anyone that is wanting to date.
Have realistic expectations of dating
The initial stages of dating can be awkward. Let’s be honest, meeting someone for the first time and asking questions about themselves can feel like a job interview. Remind yourself of the initial uncomfortableness and embrace the awkwardness. This can really help to settle your nerves. Saying to yourself before a date, “Okay, this might be a little awkward at first but it will get better,” is a realistic and positive mindset.
Keep an open mind
It’s great to set dating goals and to have a list of qualities you are looking for in a partner, however it is also a good idea to keep an open mind. Dating is an opportunity to learn more about others and yourself. Have your list of qualities, and also be aware of what changes for you while dating.
Just start scared
It’s very rare that someone enjoys every aspect of dating. Dating for most individuals is an uncomfortable process. If you have decided you are ready to start dating, most individuals are going to be nervous. It’s okay to identify the scared feelings and still start dating. If you are waiting to be fully comfortable and secure in dating before starting, you might be waiting for quite a while.
Low pressure dates
Choosing a place that is less intense can really help with feeling more confident in going out on dates. You might want to pick an environment that has minimal loud noise, isn’t as busy, and more casual attire to help you feel less nervous. Some examples could be meeting at a coffee shop, bookstore, or mini golf.
Meet in person
Meeting someone in person is different than forming a connection through messaging. For some individuals, it might be easier for you to build a connection and date through emailing, text messaging, and phone calls. However, a drawback can be that once you meet in person the connection might not be what you think it was. Making it a point to meet in person to observe how you physically and emotionally connect with someone will paint more of an accurate picture than just through messaging.
Put your phone away
Your phone can act as a safety net when you feel nervous, scared, and uncomfortable during an in-person date. Putting your phone away and giving the conversation complete focus can only benefit you in figuring out what you like and what you don’t like. Having minimal distractions will help you be mindful if you have a connection or not with your date.
Dating is scary especially if you have never dated before. There is no specific age to when to start dating. It’s a journey that you have to be ready for and willing to jump in even when you are scared, uncomfortable, and anxious. Reminding yourself and staying focused on your future relationship and partner goals will make it all worthwhile. You are not alone.
If you are in the Michigan or Pennsylvania area, looking for a relationship therapist for singles specializing in helping individuals who have never dated before or are stuck with dating. Schedule a free consultation with Amalia Miralrio to help you navigate through the dating and relationship process. Also, subscribe to Amity Detroit Counseling’s blog if you want to learn more about relationships, love, and the therapy process.
Meet the Author:
Ashley Hudson is a Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) with a private practice Ashley Hudson Therapy in Orange County, California.
Ashley specializes in working with teenagers and young adults focusing on anxiety, healthy relationships, self esteem, and boundaries.
In addition, Ashley Hudson is the founder of Illuminate Your Connection LLC where she focuses on parent coaching and sports anxiety helping parents and individuals reconnect within their relationship with their teenager and bolster confidence within themselves.