Is This Normal: I’m Nervous Before Session & Don’t Know What to Talk About
As many of us continue to be living with stay at home orders, social distancing, and limited options for safely engaging with the outside world, we are spending more time with ourselves. I am hearing from many that this increase in self-reflective time has increased the pre-therapy jitters. It’s common to feel a bit nervous before a therapy session. In a pre-pandemic world, it may have been a quieter build up of nerves due to rushing to session (maybe even in person) from work, or going right into a social get together after a session. With less face to face interaction with others, we can hear ourselves that much more clearly, and that might bring up fears of doing therapy “wrong” or fear of really being seen in therapy. Today we’ll take a look at factors that contribute to these nerves, how to cope, and when it might be time to reconsider your path with therapy.
Pre-therapy nerves can show up in a few different ways, and look a little different for everyone. You might find yourself starting to plan what you want to focus on, and feel worried you won’t know what to say or how to fill the time. There might just be a little bit of a flutter in your stomach, or you might notice yourself a little bit more on edge. You might be thinking you should cancel your session because you feel okay or because whatever you’re dealing with isn’t that bad. I hope we can laugh at ourselves a bit when thinking about the times we might think we don’t need support until we start talking and realize how much is just below the surface. Of course, it is a valid choice to decide not to have a session, but I encourage you to not allow anxiety or defenses to lead you astray. In the name of accountability to yourself, pause and take a deep breath before canceling at the last minute. Take a moment to ask yourself if you’re possibly listening to a fear of sitting with and talking about what’s happening for you emotionally.
It can be helpful to take a moment and write down a few highs and lows of your week to remind yourself of what was most meaningful since your last session. If it feels like nothing meaningful happened that week, it might be a good time to think back to what brought you to therapy when you started. How are you feeling about the issues you were facing? Are there topics or parts of yourself you had wanted to work on that you may be able to focus on? Finally, remember that it’s okay to not have a perfectly clear idea of what you want to work on. Remember that you are in a collaborative relationship in therapy and we can work together to clarify how the time would be best used. It’s always okay to start a session by asking for support in figuring out where to go next.
I don’t consider myself to be a particularly intimidating person, and I hope that my clients know I am always open to talking about the processes both leading up to therapy and afterwards. I do not take it offensively that folks might be a tad nervous, because I know that it is most likely more about facing themselves than facing me. I am just the mirror. However, if this isn’t true and there is something that feels specific to me or how I’m responding, I always want to know that so we can talk about it. It’s a good idea to check in with yourself about how you think your therapist would react to feedback. You might be nervous about sharing vulnerable parts of your process, but if you anticipate that your therapist will be defensive, blame you, or shut down your feedback based on their previous behavior, it might be a good time to think about getting a new therapist. No matter how much advanced training a therapist has, they should be able to hear and honor your feedback -- even if they disagree. In fact, therapeutic relationships can be magical spaces to practice conflict in a healthy and safe way. Misunderstandings happen, difference of opinions happen, but dismissal or disrespect should not.
Lastly, I hope you remember that it is normal to feel nervous before therapy because we live in an emotion-phobic society and you might not have access to many spaces that ask you to honor your internal process the way that therapy does. It’s normal for the process to feel out of your comfort zone, and it’s normal to feel nervous about entering a space that is asking for honesty, transparency, and authenticity in regards to the most intimate and personal aspects of your life! You may have heard me say before that going to therapy is like living through a house renovation. You’re living in the house, you need to be safe in the house, but you are also looking for change. I believe that your greatest wisdom will come from your feelings, but of course it is normal to feel apprehensive about the process.
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