As I shared in part one of the benefits of ending a relationship, I love supporting people through this transition because I hold onto the faith that you can come out on the other side of the breakup with a better idea of who you are, a greater sense of peace with your past, and a vision for how you want your life to move forward. This is a tall order, but completely realistic! In  part one, we talked about relief, clarity, and community. In this second part, we will highlight opportunities for changes, sexual exploration and investing energy back into yourself. 

I love working with breakups. I don’t enjoy seeing people suffer with heartbreak or stuck in all consuming rage. Even so, the rawness of this time in someone’s life is rich with opportunity for self-reflection and healing. Radical shifts in perspective and radical changes in life choices can come from a breakup, and I never lose sight of this when I witness my clients grieving the end of a relationship. I have such conviction in this belief that I have too much to say in just one post. Keep reading for part one of what I keep in mind when supporting someone through this transition. 

1.) Remember that a lot more of your friend’s past might be triggered right now than what meets the eye. 

It might seem from the outside that your friend is responding to the fallout of the relationship — and of course, they are. But breakups also commonly stir up pain from previous relationships with other ex-partners, friends, or even painful experiences with family members. Your friend might express feeling confused or ashamed of how they are reacting to the breakup, and you might even be having a hard time not passing judgment on they are reacting. Gently share with your friend that it’s normal for the end of one relationship to bring up pain from previous relationships. Keep in mind that some of what’s coming up might be completely rooted in subconscious or unconscious dynamics. For example, your friend might not be thinking that their reaction to the breakup is connected to how rejected they felt by their classmates in middle school… but connections like this are completely common. The good news is that by showing up with support through this time, you are helping your friend heal from previous hurt, even if it doesn’t feel like you are doing enough. 

You may have heard that therapy is not the place for politics, and that therapists are obligated to maintain neutrality in the room, regardless of their personal beliefs. It is true that there used to be a time when therapists were trained this way, and this history still finds its way into many or most training programs. Today, there are still therapists who attempt to practice this way. I am not one of them. In fact, my practice is founded on the basis that our mental and spiritual health is intertwined with the ways in which we interact with the world and the world interacts with us- individually and collectively. Our racial identities and experiences are a core part of how the world interacts with us, and we cannot meditate or therapize ourselves out of the reality of racism.