When Chani Nicholas released her book, You Born for This, at the start of 2020, I rushed to order a signed copy. I first became aware of her work as a graduate student, and have since found comfort in her emails, Instagram posts, and have even participated in a few of her courses. However, it wasn’t until early this month that I took the time to sit down with my journal and work my way through the self-paced guide to my own astrology chart. I finished the entire book in a matter of hours, and found myself wishing I didn’t have a signed copy so that I could have felt free to scribble in the margins and highlight everything of relevance. And a lot of it felt relevant. 

The insight into my chart felt relevant because it felt like someone was poetically and accurately explaining myself to me, paired with the message that these qualities are all components of my life’s purpose. The gifts and challenges of my chart are all part of the what, why, and how I show up in the world for myself and others. I’ve carried these insights with me throughout the days since, often remembering snippets of text that affirm the choices I make and the work I feel compelled to do. 

As I shared in part one of the benefits of ending a relationship, I love supporting people through this transition because I hold onto the faith that you can come out on the other side of the breakup with a better idea of who you are, a greater sense of peace with your past, and a vision for how you want your life to move forward. This is a tall order, but completely realistic! In  part one, we talked about relief, clarity, and community. In this second part, we will highlight opportunities for changes, sexual exploration and investing energy back into yourself. 

I love working with breakups. I don’t enjoy seeing people suffer with heartbreak or stuck in all consuming rage. Even so, the rawness of this time in someone’s life is rich with opportunity for self-reflection and healing. Radical shifts in perspective and radical changes in life choices can come from a breakup, and I never lose sight of this when I witness my clients grieving the end of a relationship. I have such conviction in this belief that I have too much to say in just one post. Keep reading for part one of what I keep in mind when supporting someone through this transition. 

1.) Remember that a lot more of your friend’s past might be triggered right now than what meets the eye. 

It might seem from the outside that your friend is responding to the fallout of the relationship — and of course, they are. But breakups also commonly stir up pain from previous relationships with other ex-partners, friends, or even painful experiences with family members. Your friend might express feeling confused or ashamed of how they are reacting to the breakup, and you might even be having a hard time not passing judgment on they are reacting. Gently share with your friend that it’s normal for the end of one relationship to bring up pain from previous relationships. Keep in mind that some of what’s coming up might be completely rooted in subconscious or unconscious dynamics. For example, your friend might not be thinking that their reaction to the breakup is connected to how rejected they felt by their classmates in middle school… but connections like this are completely common. The good news is that by showing up with support through this time, you are helping your friend heal from previous hurt, even if it doesn’t feel like you are doing enough.