Our heteronormative culture creates a hierarchy of relationships that places romantic love at the top. For many people, their romantic partnership is the place they find daily, consistent intimacy and connection, but our culture's focus on this one type of intimacy can minimize the significance of other types of relationships. The ending of a friendship can be just as painful as the end of a romantic relationship. These endings can elicit many of the same emotional responses: shame, grief, and anger. We attach to our friends, share intimate parts of our lives, and rely on them as chosen or extended parts of our families.

We’re wired for human connection, and the beauty of being human is that we’re able to form multiple deep attachments and connections with others. This adds richness, warmth, and color to our lives. We turn to friends for laughter, companionship, intellectual stimulation, and emotional support. When we see parts of ourselves reflected back to us in our friends, we feel a sense of safety in the ease of belonging. When we’re challenged to see things differently by a close friend, we have opportunities to grow in a safe environment. 

What are the first three words that come to mind when you think of divorce? Mine are: conflict, fighting, heartbreak. Last fall, I was introduced to the concept of collaborative divorce, an official divorce process involving two attorneys, one mental health professional, one financial expert, and two people who start the process as married and end divorced. After hearing a bit about this process from a fellow therapist who has been involved with the practice for years, I started thinking about divorce differently. What if the first three words associated with divorce could shift to trauma-informed ending.