There is honor and dignity in holding both the shadow and the light

Earlier this week, I posted on Instagram about how much I appreciate the ability to show up as a therapist in private practice as my whole self. I feel a greater sense of agency in the process of setting my boundaries, which are firmer in some areas of my practice now and more flexible in other areas.  I am enjoying the increased transparency around my personal subjectivity. This week I dropped off my ballot and voted for Biden Harris. This weekend I will be honoring Día de los Muertos. Both of these parts of my personal subjectivity matter in my work with clients. Both of these personal facts influence the perspective I bring with me into the therapeutic process. 

You know how after there’s a death, the first week or so is full of support and then people move on with with their lives? It feels like with Covid, March was the equivalent of that first week. My social media timelines were flooded with supportive memes about self-care (I clearly follow a lot of therapists) and conversations with friends and family centered around making sure we were all “okay.”  Fast forward seven months, a few weeks away from the election, and I’m feeling pulled to revisit the themes of March. Many of us are preparing for colder weather and losing the ability to shake off cabin fever with a socially-distanced outdoor hangout or long walk in a park.

It’s okay to feel lonely. 

There’s no shame in needing people and in needing human connection. This month I had the opportunity to sit down with Marvin Toliver, LCSW, from @melanatedsocialwork and lead him through a guided exercise on cultivating a sense of connection when we feel lonely. If you missed the live event, you can click here to watch. If you prefer to go at your own pace, scroll down for the written script. 

I chose the topic of loneliness because it’s a common experience, yet doesn’t get much air time. On social media, we are bombarded with images of folks connecting, or at least displaying their social capital. We can feel lonely in the process of a breakup, in a romantic relationship that isn’t meeting our needs, or really any time we aren’t getting enough experiences of connection. We feel connected when we feel seen, heard, understood, and celebrated.  It takes courage to risk showing ourselves to others, and it takes skill to communicate when we aren’t having our needs met.

I appreciate aesthetics, I appreciate self expression, and I appreciate joyful movement. But I don’t cook, do arts and crafts, or participate in sports of any kind. These are the kinds of qualities about me you’ll find in jokes made about me (with love) and stories told about me (i.e. remember when Amalia left a pizza in the oven overnight?). 

However, fast forward to one night this week when my partner, who does almost all of the cooking, was overwhelmed with work responsibilities and we had a fridge full of groceries needing to be used. I was motivated to support my partner and I was in the head space of not being quite sure what to do with myself, so I decided to give it a try.

All that I discovered might seem obvious to those of you who regularly prepare food. This was all new to me, and I hope everyone can find some time this week to be present in an activity that feels as nurturing as cooking this simple dish was for me.